Take the next step, let go of the rest

Focus on the parts, not the whole

I went viral on TikTok for growing out my silver hair at age 35.

It was a simple video. Closeups of what my silver strands looked like 18 months into the process. This was pre-pandemic before women were as open to the idea or forced to ditch the dye and “let themselves go” during lockdown, but also long after incredible women like my mother, Helen Mirren, and scores of others before them modeled the ascent into owning the truth of their bodies and aging (thank you). 

@lulugrimm18 months no dye #silverhair #hair #grayhair #silverfox #grombre #fyp #foryoupage #foryou

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[Reframe Reco] Letting ourselves GO → Letting ourselves GROW 

I find it amusing that we culturally shame something that is strong and real. That the act of women graying/silvering is still most commonly referred to as “letting ourselves go” when in reality we’re actually letting ourselves GROW—grow into the truth of our bodies and what that reveals to the spirit and mind, grow into a magical space of in between, grow into another iteration of ourselves, grow because we’re challenging a cultural convention, and so on. Meanwhile, men are silver foxes and celebrated, most recently a more salt than pepper Patrick Dempsey took People’s Sexiest Man Alive. We’re making great progress on this double standard, but imagine a world where we said she’s “letting herself G R O W” instead of “letting herself go". Could be rad. Applicable to many things, not just hair. Just saying.

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The decision to grow out my gray didn’t come in one fell swoop. As one who had been dyeing my hair every 3ish weeks for several years, I had tired of it despite the fact that I had perfected a DIY process. My pal and hairstylist (love you Aubs) had given me my color formula so I was getting salon-grade results for a fraction of the cost and doing it myself when it was convenient and in the privacy of my own home where I could multitask whilst letting the color process. Still, it was a lot and annoying and I was sick of doing it. 

I had a month-long trip to India coming up so I decided to skip a dye cycle so I’d have a few months of outgrowth by the time I returned at which time I’d evaluate what to do next. That was it. Upon my return it was very clear that I had a substantial amount of gray in the front, sides, and underneath (there’s an Instagram highlight on my growth process here), which was mildly terrifying and also made me deeply curious about what might emerge if I kept going. So I did.

I took the next step by making a decision to grow it out completely and if I didn’t like it at the end of that process, I’d dye it. Note: This is a great little trick that makes surrendering easier because you’re committing to see something through, but not committing to anything after that.

Then, I let go of the outcome—what it might look like, what people would think, actual comments from folks, or the looks that said, “Does she know what’s happening up there?” To which I wanted to reply, “Yes, I’m doing this shit on purpose.” I simply let it all go. Didn’t mean it was easy, but it made the process easier. To recap:

Scary (new) thing → Make decision → Take Action → Let go → Outcome determines next step → Rinse and repeat

I’m 40 now. It’s been 5 years since I dyed my hair. Not sure what my future holds as it pertains to my hair, but I can tell you that long before I decided to let myself grow in this way, and several times since I have used this approach to navigate the fear and/or uncertainty and/or doubt that comes with change—and just humaning—in several, and far more serious areas, of my life.

Includes but not limited to …

• Quitting college and going back on my own terms

• Quitting my dream job

• Taking a sabbatical 

• Getting divorced 

• Getting sober

• Starting my own communications consultancy 

• Moving off-grid alone for a few years 

• Vipassana Meditation 

• Solo traveling through Japan, Indonesia, and India 

• Solo hiking the Kumano Kodo

• Therapy 

• Public speaking 

• Sharing private details of my life with strangers

• Moving to the country with my love and his son 

• Going to UC Berkeley’s Executive Coaching Institute 

• Starting this Substack 

Lately, it seems that almost all conversational roads with clients, coachees, friends, and fam lead back to this place. Taking the new, the scary, the uncertain, or all of the above in parts and not the whole to make it a bit more manageable. We can’t control outcomes, but we can control our actions and attitudes. I repeat we can control our actions and attitudes (shout out to my Grow or Die squad in GV).

I share this as much for someone out there who may find it useful as much as I do for myself because sadly, I forget the wisdom of what has worked for me way more than I’d like.

Have a beautiful week, whatever that means for you. I hope it’s relaxing, restorative, self-honoring, and that you get outside.

Finally, thank YOU! If this was in your inbox you are one of my first 100 subscribers. I had/have zero expectations here beyond trying to consistently write so having you sign up to hear was a sweet surprise. 🩶