23 Years Sober + Introducing Coming to Be

A new expression to honor a milestone in recovery

Welcome to Coming to Be!

Chances are if you’re reading this you know me from my professional life, you’re in the recovery community, or we’re connected through the serendipity engine of the internet where we’re in an actual or parasocial relationship via social media. Whatever the case, I’m so grateful you’re here. And if we don’t know each other yet, hi—I’m so glad you’re here too :) More about me and Coming to Be here.

I’m 23 years sober today. I moved to California three years ago and found that sober means a lot of different things to folks here, so I’ll define what sober means to me. I have practiced complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol since Nov. 6, 2000. I’ve stayed sober by excavating and healing the parts of myself that are wounded over and over again. I’ve done this by going to recovery meetings, prioritizing my relationship with the Divine, therapy, doing the work, solitude in the Forest, embodiment, falling down and getting back up, asking for help, and just stringing together a lot of one-day-at-a-times. I’ve written about that here and here and here and here (bonus, this is a twofer and contains the trick I played on myself to get sober AND grow out my silver hair at 35).

lulugrimm

A post shared by @lulugrimm

I got sober in the year 2000 at age 17 during my senior year of high school after a short but solid career as a pothead, drinker, and drug user (I loved ecstasy and cocaine, like, A LOT). Senior year is a really inconvenient time to clean up your act for obvious reasons, but there never really is a “convenient” time to sober up according to every sober person I know. The details of destruction that brought me to that moment, while critical never to forget, are not important here. The thing to know is that I was dis-eased. I was in pain and felt empty inside, I was unable to recognize and process trauma and circumstances, past and present, in a constructive way, and I was generally uncomfortable in my own skin which manifested in drug and alcohol addiction that had become bigger than me, and posed a significant risk not just to my wellness but my mortality.

There were moments in the midst of my nearly 24/7 self-induced sedation when I’d catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or find myself in a precarious situation and a little voice inside aka my Inner Knowing/Spirit/Higher Self would ping me with a reminder that this way of being was out of alignment, that this wasn’t who I was or wanted to be. Sadly, these moments were fleeting and soon I’d be in the flow of another hit of something to quiet the emergence of truth and what it may mean for me. I wasn’t interested in exploring or pursuing the why behind my use because I knew it inevitably meant changing my ways.

Fast-forward to 2018. I’ve been sober for 17 years and find myself dis-eased again but in an entirely different way. Life was good. I had a lot of the things that should have made me happy—dream job, success, money, marriage, home, health, and a magical dog—but despite all of my achievements, that voice was pinging me yet again on ways I was out of alignment. This time it was my relationship with work, questioning my marriage, and desire to explore new territory within myself and the world, to name a few. Like those fleeting moments before the reckoning of my addiction, I poured myself deeper into work and other ways of numbing to avoid it. And then things fell apart. More on this here.

Going deeper into either story isn’t the aim of this post. What these moments have in common is, which is that in both instances I knew in the deepest part of myself that something was off/misaligned/trying to emerge and I ignored and denied it, never allowing it to rise until I was at a point of dis-ease and crisis that caused harm to myself and in some cases others.

I wish this were a unique story, but it’s not. As I connect and share my story with others (mainly women, and some men) I am met with similar tales, something close enough, or in many cases worse. Struggle and suffering are essential to the human experience and I wouldn’t trade any of mine. It makes me who I am. All of my darkness taught me to see the light and learn how to shine it. That said, we don’t have to suffer so much, in silence, and in a way that harms us and others.

This brings us to Coming to Be, a space to talk about how to meet, receive, and accept ourselves where we are and build a practice of listening to and honoring ourselves as best we can along the way to make this whole living thing just a smidge easier.

It is with humility and great hope that by sharing reflections from my journey—and those that unfold as I continue it—you will feel support in your struggle, learn how to listen to yourself and honor what comes with greater ease, and ultimately do the damn thing your spirit needs from you. I also view this as a conversation and collaboration so please share/request topics/talk to me about how this hits or doesn’t.

I have no idea what this newsletter is going to look like yet because it’s still coming to be and I’m finding my way in a new expression of self which is equal parts terrifying and exciting. I view your reading and/or subscribing as a huge vote of confidence. Thank YOU.

Subscribe to Coming to Be if you want …

• Reflections, stories, and resources from my path to meeting, receiving and accepting myself as I am (spoiler alert: it’s a big old WIP).

• Frequently asked questions about how to make big changes or life transitions in career and life.

• Conversations with folks who’ve navigated their inflection points in entirely different situations and circumstances from my own.

• Potential posts about who knows what because this is a new expression and you’re going to help shape it.

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